Amidst and Between
[“The principal effects of Centering Prayer are experienced in daily life, not in the period of Centering prayer itself” (Open Mind, Open Heart, Thomas Keating, OCSO).]
O Lover,
Our evolving consumer culture has shaped us to assess virtually everything by the criterion of utility. The value of most ventures is valued in terms of the payback, usefulness, the envisioned benefit accrued. That is the bottom line. While living thus becomes increasingly transactional, self-investiture in what possesses intrinsic worth in and of itself is neglected.
That this pervasiveness of “utilitolatry” would impact spirituality should not surprise us. Indeed, there is particular vulnerability here given how the positive outcomes of the practice of prayer—favors, consolations, bodily jolts, “goodies”—shape how we experience ourselves and You, O Lover. Bent on maximizing such outcomes we might find ourselves disconcerted: Why am I not getting more out of this? How can I enter greater silence with this cacophony spinning in my head? When is something going to happen?, etc. This dis-consolation may be greatest when we are dressed to the nines in religiosity. No one critiques this tendency to opt for the goodies over the Giver better than John of the Cross. Indeed, his entire discussion of the apophatic (“without images” [& consolations]) constitutes a frontal challenge to the tyranny of utility.
Enter Thomas Keating. While focusing on centering prayer in particular although applicable to all forms of prayer, he points us to phenomenon amid the actual practices of devotion less than to incremental transformation between such spiritual practices. Over the last year I have been becoming more aware that small shifts toward the between have been taking place within me, this even as aridity and “uselessness” remain prayer companions near at hand.
Thus the remainder of this prayer post is a self-inventory of sorts, but one ever in Your hearing, O Lover. My notations below, divided into several clusters, cite four long-standing areas of concern in which I have been experiencing modest healing and growth in the between of my ordinary life (II Cor 3:18) more than amidst “goodies.”
1) In relation to myself: on various fronts harboring interior anger, but often not channeling or addressing this positively; experiencing an oscillating gap between my idea and my practice of wholesome self-love; being episodically acquiescent in the face of yet another visit by depression; my intellect serving as personal lawyer ever litigating in defense of my egoic case and false self; the salaam/shalom I have talked up my entire adult life residing only fragmentarily in my interiority.
2) In relation to my spouse: preoccupation with being treated fairly, justly and with respect (as I define these); being offended by the splendor of her inimitability; drifting into judgment, sullenness, and distancing from her so as to strengthen the case for my egoic/false self; my complementary role in the intersection of our two Type A personalities often compromised by competitiveness and need to control.
3) In relation to the planet: ODing at the media trough, whether regarding the domestic or the planetary, and often failing to respond actively and positively; on occasion conceding to despair in the face of our multifaceted crisis; lingering with an antiquated default cosmology profoundly inadequate both scientifically and theologically.
4) In relation to You, O Lover: hope for the future—planetary, cultural, and personal—laced with angst regarding the unspeakable; habitually miniaturizing You with words, images, theologies, and other boxes; verbalizing much more than embodying that You are “enough” (Jn 14:8, 9); occasionally experiencing little but darkness, silence, isolation, emptiness and lethargy.
Yes, there are indeed tangible fruits of spiritual practice; “Prayer Changes Things” as witnessed to by that inscription on the wall of my home of origin. But, at least in my case, prayer disciplines, while fertilizing awareness of You and Your disposition of Agápe, predominantly impact and shape between, among the “pots and pans,” the image of Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection, OCD. And I am experiencing evidences of that shift in various of the areas cited above.
For the gift of this increasingly undeniable correlation of nurtured attentiveness to You, O Lover, and what Walker Percy dubbed “everydayness,” and with a nod to Keating, I thank You, not surprisingly more than words could convey
